Walking around with such a huge cloud on my shoulder I swear it feels like I’m fucking dying inside. & nobody knows it but me. No one feels it but me. Since I was a child.. living with the same cloud, just lingering over me.. and yeah sometimes its sunny but the cloud never allows me to forget the rain. No one deserves to be put through such fucking misery and not have the power to stop it..
The worst part of it all if that I feel like I can’t speak to ANYONE about it because no one will understand. No ones gonna feel what I feel every time I come home to such disgusting behavior from one of the people I care the least for.. the man responsible for 1/2 my life.
Someone with no fucking respect, no compassion, no fucking anything. Today I saw homie in the worst fucking light.. SO gross and nasty and in his element. I wanted to throw something at him dead ass, I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch him in the face, I wanted to kick him out of my house, I wanted my mom to do something about it.. protect me as a mother should but no. instead she shades the problem by threats that never work.. haven;t worked for 19 years so I don’t understand why she thinks they’re magically going to work now. I don’t get it.. and the quicker I move out of this house, out of this environment is the quicker I’m going to stop trying to understand.
He honestly needs to either A. get the fuck out of this house. B. check himself into rehab or a place for help. C. go back to DR and STAY there and continue his life over there.. away from my sister and I.. or D. Die of a overdose/heartattack/ w.e. Cause seriously this is ridiculous. & I;m at a point where i REALLY wouldn’t mind him dying.. Guess its a bit cold to say but no one can tell me shit about feeling the way I do.. so yeah.
The WORST park of this whole situation is my sister.. he means the world to her. She loves her dad more then anything and having him in her life is essentially good. If I leave this house and he’s still here.. my sisters going to grow up just like me… upset because she could never do anything about it.. and confused cause my mom failed at trying to protect/ stop it.
I can’t and hate placing the blame on my mother but I knew dude was on drugs when I was 9.. I was a smart 9 year old and very observant of my surroundings… thing is.. as much as everyone tried to hide the problem I always knew.. and never understood why it took my mother so fucking long to “deal” with him and his shit..
So much for dealing because after about a year of him being gone he came right back.
I DEAD don’t understand, I guess a part of me will always resent him for making me grow up subjected to such life… the life of a social user/ or a social functioning addict/ w.e they call it now a days..
Another part of me will always rent my mother for not trying hard enough to protect me, to help me grow up without that in my life, for not attacking the issue when it first became an issue. For letting me see 19 years&counting of this bullshit, for allowing me to be angry, bitter, and cold about it.
There are nights when I HATE coming home cause tonight night be a night of where hes just sitting on the couch wired. no saying a word, not bothering nobody but just wired on his drugs. &unlike other people he never bother anyone, he never does anything he just sits there but just knowing that hes wired makes me wanna scream tears away.
I try so hard to not cry about it because whats the use honestly. Crying never helps a situation, especially not this one, & i learned that at a very young age.
this is fucking insane.
